simransingh

some more about my lifeline

2006-04-10T16:25:00.000+04:00

long time no post...the primary motivation for me starting this blog was to tell my story, and now that its done i dont really know what i want to do. one of the reasons for me wanting to tell my story was that some three months after i had quit smoking etc in feb 2002, a friend of mine had remarked that if it was possible for me to quit, then its possible for anyone to quit, i thanked him for the compliment (to the one reading this, please dont assume that i was a chain smoker or anything like that, but yes, i was dependent) and we had a good laugh. extending the same logic, if it was possible for me to experience some grace, then i guess it is possible for anyone. if reading my account, even if one person gets motivated enough to try and experience the power and grace of sukhmani sahib, it would mean something to me.
at the moment i am sharing something more about sukhmani sahib. i had to think a while before deciding to write this down because i believe that devotion is a very personal thing. everyone devotes oneself the way one is destined to. i also believe that one should devote oneself quietly and without making too much noise about it. but then i feel i am not harming anyone by writing about my experiences....right then, i dont remember when exactly it was, maybe two years back when someone told me that doing the paath of sukhmani sahib 51 times within a span of 40 days carries a major significance. as it is i enjoy doing the sukhmani sahib and when i was told this, it became a reason to increase the frequency. i dont know about 40 days though, because each time i did this "experiment??", i did it within 18 days, with an average of about 3 paaths a day. i dont want to talk about what all things happened, but yes, the very first time itself i did this, a significant event in life for the better and for the good happened. and my experience has been that every time i do this, something good and positive always comes about (well yes, there is no such thing as good or bad, it is the programming done by god of each body mind organism to percieve things as per ones karma and destiny, one mans nector can be someone elses poison. so i percieve and classify things as good and bad, light and dark, the way i have been programmed and destined to).

through the viewfinder..

2006-03-20T12:30:00.000+04:00

i was rummaging though my drawer yesterday looking for something when i happened to look at a letter, an old inland letter, and it took me on a trip down memory lane...in december 94 we had gone to laksar, a small town in the sugar belt near dehradoon to attend the wedding of my cousin. two days before we left my brother in law gave me his camera, which also became my first slr camera (minolta x3oo...really beautiful), and fell in love instantly. most of the train journey was spent sitting near the open door of the train compartment. i would sit near the door looking excitedly at the passing landscape, constantly on the lookout for something to photograph, for some reason things looked diferent in a different way through the viewfinder of the camera, they still do...i don't know how to describe it...just different...and i just loved the whole process of photography, the sound of the shutter release, the sound of the film advance lever, composing the frame, eye quickly flying to all corners of the viewfinder just before releasing the shutter, even when i was not taking photographs i was spending quite a lot of time just looking through the viewfinder, which caused much amusement to the two train attendents who were there, whose job was to provide blankets and pillows to the passengers, their small cabin was also next to one of the compartment doors, where they used to sit and we would chat a bit, they would somtimes point out something that they thought interesting to photograph. we were to get off at delhi, and before that i took a photograph of them, i told them if the print came out i will send it to them, it was the first time i was using an slr manual camera and so i really had no idea how the prints were gonna come out...we came back, i got all the films processed and found that their photograph had come out, a wee bit shaky but it was there. i put it in an envelope, wrote down the address they had given, a place in kashmir, posted it and forgot all about it...after a couple of weeks i guess i got a letter from them, which shook me well and proper, the way they had written it, thanking me profusely as if i had given them a million rupees...i couldn't figure it out, all i had done was send a photograph, as i had said i would, but just that i had done as i had said was enough for them...and for me it was a lesson in human nature, one never knows in what way one can touch someone's life, what is small for you can mean much to someone else...and the camera was the medium through which i got this experience, little did i know at that time how many more things it was going to teach me, that i was also going to learn humility... and it was these two guys who had provided me with one of the lessons. i don't have photographs from that time because when i went through my depression in 2001, in my search to disconnect myself from my past i had burnt all my diaries and photographs...but this letter is still there, all worn out and yellowed and cello taped, but its there... i'm grateful for that.

...

2006-03-16T13:35:00.000+04:00

...to anyone who read the poetry i had posted in the previous post, did you happen to find elements of sikhi in it, guru gobind singhji had said....if thou wish to play the game of love, place your head in your hand and enter upon my path...

some poetry...not mine.

2006-03-13T12:20:00.000+04:00

...then said almitra," speak to us of love"
and he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. and then with a great voic he said:
when love beckons to you follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.
and when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
and when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
for even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. even as he is for your growth, so is he for your pruning.
even as he ascends to your heights and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
he threshes you to make you naked.
he sifts you to free you from your husks.
he grinds you to whiteness.
he kneads you until you are pliant.
and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for gods sacred feast.
all these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of life's heart.
but if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
into the seasonless world where you may laugh, but not all of your laughter, and cry, but not all of your tears.
love gives not but itself and takes nought but from itself.
love possesses not nor would it be possessed,
for love is sufficient unto love.
when you love you should not say, "god is in my heart", but rather, "i am in the heart of god".
and think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs you course.
love has no desire but to fulfil itself.
but if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires.
to melt and be like the running brook that sings its melody to the night.
to know the pain of too much tenderness.
to be wounded by your understanding of love, and to bleed willingly and joyfully.
to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving,
to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstacy.
to return home at eventide with gratitude,
and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

filmi fever...

2006-03-10T18:50:00.000+04:00

rang de basanti...the flavor of the season...have seen it five times and it was only after the third time that i could breathe easy, as an aspiring film maker this film scared the living daylights out of me.....how did you make it??...hats off to the one or the ones who came up with the concept and the ones who made it into what can only be called a superb cinematic experience. this kind of a film is extremely difficult to make, about three years went into developing the script...its not easy to work on a project for three years without knowing what might happen. film making is a strange business anyway, for the amount it takes to make a film, one can buy a building somewhere which will stand for a long time, while your film can be history with two days of its release. anyways, a beautiful film, good performances, nice music, scenes seamlessly blending into each other.....but then.... a few objections over some glitches for which the director is responsible. first the scene where the heros of the film are introduced, opening beer bottles with kara, and then the mother of the hero, shown as an amritdhari, wearing a black thread on her fingers, for the well being of her son. the cfilm unit had stayed almost a month in amritsar for filming certain sequences, a little bit of fact finding could have rectified these things and the scenes could have been given a different treatment. "its only a film".....i know, but no....no no no, the director should have taken the trouble and done some research, which wouldn't have taken more than 15 minutes....but still, a wonderful film, superbly crafted, this is just the third or fourth film i have seen in the past two years, and i am happy that i did...

meditation, going deep, higher self and all that jazz...

2006-03-09T16:00:00.000+04:00

meditation...what is it? as per my understanding, meditation is not something that can be done, it is not doing, it is a state of being, of being here and now, and either one is in that state or one is not. whatever one does, breath control, japa, mantra, whatever, it is not meditation itself, it is an effort one makes to get to meditation..
...two most commmon phrases i have come across..."meditating and going deeper within the self"....and "connecting to or trying to connect to the higher self"...if someone can explain, please do, what depth is being spoken of, god, consciousness, waheguru whatever name one calls it with is all there is, here there everywhere, where can one go? where can one go from where one is right now, and if god is right here right now, what is the need of going deep or anywhere, god is right here right now,...as kabir says, "where are you looking my friend, i am right here with you, your shoulder is against mine"
"connecting with the higher self", another something that makes no sense. there is only one self which is the self of all, where did this higher self come from...
and where does one get to hear this mumbo jumbo the most? my expereince is that 9 times out of 10(actually 10 out of 10, but then...) these are words used by people who sooner or later(sooner) will hit upon you for money, and they are out there in numbers, self styled gurus, preachers, propagators of religion, so called yoga msters, especially the kundalini ones, feng shui experts, aura cleansers...the list can go on and on...have met so many of them, most of them high profile ones, the kind who have their shows on television and their columns in newspapers and magazines, the kind film and t.v personalities, politicians and the so called elite class goes to....the most recent case bing this guy i met at a studio i had gone to for a shoot. he introduced himself as master xyz,(master, nothing less ever does), master of such and such branch of feng shui, direct disciple of master abc, one of the greatest masters of our times. he very reverently unwrapped a beautiful frame, in which there were plenty of things written in chinese, as he hung it up on a wall, i asked him what it was, he said it was part of some most ancient chinese scriptures, and these verses were very effective for getting rid of negetive energy, the clalligraphy was indeed very beautiful. but my next question got him all worked up, i asked him what do theverses say, his answer was the same, " for removing negetive energy", i said fine, but what does it say. he tried to avoid answering and i kept asking and after a short verbal exchange it was plain evident to everyone around that he did not know, though he claimed that he did. he said there was no point explaining as none of us understood chinese anyway. i said we dont, but you do, so at least translate it for us, but no, he just lost his temper and said i was being disrespectful to religious scriptures. i said no, i am in no way irreverent, i am only trying to find out what they say....and then i also lost it a bit and said that he calls himself a master in this art and yet has no clue as to what is written in that frame, for which he is charging a bomb, the basic idea must be to make a fast buck. he got offended and left after sometime...i did in a way apologise to him for whatever reasons before he left....but the fact is that he has been advising the studio owner for the past three years, made so many changes, so many wind chimes, a huge yellow red carpet inside the studio, three fish tanks, red colored buckets and some crystals in the loos, so many dragons, frogs, birds, bamboos and whatnot placed all over and not a single change for the better has ever been seen. the only person who has benifitted is himself. each time he comes, claiming to have gained some new knowledge, installs something, takes his money and scoots.
all this does not mean that i have not met genuine teachers and masters, i have, something about that later, but most of them do not have knowledge enough and are only in it for money. its really sad the way they prey upon insecure and vulnerable people who come to them hoping to better their lives. i also dont mean to say that these arts and sciences are invalid, they are valid and can be used to help people, all this also does not mean that these arts and sciences should not be commercial...make your money, but don't exploit people by pretending to be what you are not.
just today i was reading manvir singh's blog in which he has described his experience under the title 'money money money', i also know many people, who have had similar experiences, of sewadars, jathedars trying to extract money from them...is there any solution...i don't know..

free will...or fate?

2006-03-07T12:20:00.000+04:00

another one of those topics that can be debated endlessly. do we have anything in our hands...do we have any choice in this existence or we are going through life as per the will of someone else...mere puppets whose strings are being controlled by someone else..
here is something from japji sahib, with which the guru granth sahib begins..
aakhan jor chupai nah jor jor na mangan den na jor..
it is not within man's power to talk or to be quiet
man has no power or choice to beg or give..
jor na jivan maran na jor, jor na raj maal man sor..
man hasno power to live or die, it is not within his power to acquire kingdoms and riches, which disturb the mind..
jor na surti gyan vichar, jor na jugti chhutai sansar..
it is not within man's power to gain understanding of knowledge of god's meditation, man has no power to find the method of freedom from world's bondage..
jis hath jor kar vekhai soe, nanak utam neech na koe..
god, in whose hands the power is, exercises it as he chooses, and beholds it, nanak(says) there is nothing good and nothing bad..
do we actually need anything more...either one accepts or one does not, eitherwe trust guru's words or we don't, maybe there is a middle ground, i don't know...the most common thing people say, "yes yes of course its all god's will but god has also given us abrain to think, to act, if we just say that everything is in god's hands then we all will be sitting idle", no one buys the fact(sometimes even i don't) that the thoughts also are given by god...don't know how much time it will take, but it is possible that we may have some kind of proof in years to come. there are some dedicated physicists who are working on it, one of them is prof. amit goswami, whose works i have read, some experiments have already been done and the results are quite positive...will post something on that later, but it is very much a possibility that science will get to Om, and agree with all that the mystics have been telling us for centuries...

advaita...

2006-03-02T10:57:00.000+04:00

another subject i love, the principle of non duality, simply put it means "not two", as everything within the field of maya has its opposite, everything, for every positive there exists a negative, for every day there exists a night, for every good a bad, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...so if it said that god is one, even this "one" stands in opposition to something, so advaita, instead of saying that it is all one, says "it is not two", here is a sampler...
god is all there is, there is nothing else. god alone is the seeker and the doer of all that happens, he is seeking spirituality through some, money or power through some. what you seek is not in your hands, you are merely playing the role god has ordained...
god is within each and every body mind organism he has created. you did not create the ego, god with has created it, he alone can get rid of it...
things and situations are never in your control, you just think they are, human being can be enormously intelligent, but he has no free will...
understanding or enlightenment cannot produce perfection, understanding cannot change destiny, it cannot console, you cannot use it..
do what you will, the ego cannot be annihilated unless it is god's will..
it is god within who brings about all actions, you are like the shadow having no independent existence..
you have no choice in being born to specific parents, you have no choice over your genes, you are not the source of your thoughts, though getting identified with the ego makes you think so, you have no control over what you see or hear, you have no control over how your brain reacts. yet the most prized possession of the thinking mind is that it has free will...

some photographs of Hazur Sahib

2006-02-28T18:45:00.000+04:00

...some photographs of hazur sahib, at least to my eye some compositions have gone off a bit...no fault of mine though, the guy who scanned the images did not place them in the scanner properly so some cropping had to be done in the photo editor, which have made the compositions a bit off

gurdwara takhat sachkhand sri hazur sahib

gurdwara banda ghat sahib ji

another view...

and another...

gurdwara maal tekri

well, this is me as i looked then...

with my nieces at sachkhand...

2006-02-27T12:15:00.000+04:00

my next visit to hazur sahib was in march 2003, during hola mohalla, i had gone as sewadar with a sewak jatha. our job was to prepare langar at gurdwara langar sahib. i thoroughly enjoyed myself at that time. at gurdwara langar sahib, langar is on 24 hrs and sangat congregates in thousands during hola mohalla. so cooking langar was a full time thing. we were divided into two groups, each for day and night sewa. i was in the day duty and it was so much fun. the sewadars would come in at about 4.30am to wake us up and i would have bath, then go to the langar hall to have tea and then get to work in the kitchen...the immensity and the scale at which langar is made during festivals has to be seen to be believed. it was hard work, but fun. every evening i would go to the sachkhand gurdwara for some time and send some time sitting on the steps leading to to godavri river. after a few days of returning home, i was blessed again with a vision on guru gobind singhji in a dream, which i still remember vividly...and some time later i had a vision of guru nanak devji...during that time i was very worried about my work. one afternoon i lay down in our living room, pleading in my mind to babaji for help, i drifted off to semi sleep, and i had a vision of guru nanak devji, holding me by my right wrist and walking, dragging me behind him, i was unconscious and not even on my feet and there was total darkness all around, except the radiance that was being emitted by guruji. i woke up so so happy, and a bit ashamed, for in that vision i was not even on my feet...

these experiences and visions have been of immense value, whenever i am down, unhappy, negetive etc i draw strength from them. one other thing i woulkd like to say here is that though i have seen many pictorial depictions of guru nanak devji, the only one i have come across which corresponds with my vision is the one by artist sobha singh.

in the next post i will try and put up some photographs.

2006-02-24T10:50:00.000+04:00

help

started blogging yesterday and already i am facing some problems, like i made some spelling mistakes in myy profile and i have tried my best to make changes but to no avail, also i need to know how i can add my blog to the list of sikh bloggers, please help me out.

my story...how my journey towards sikhi started

2006-02-23T15:03:00.000+04:00

So there....after about five months of getting myself a blogger account and thinking of words and ways to start it with, I have to begin with the same two words with which i had started my diary, a long time ago, when an urge had arisen within to write about thoughts, feeling and stuff my universe consisted of......so there.....not very creative i know, but then....

what is this blog going to be all about?? i honestly don't know, but at the moment, it is a platform, a place from where i want to tell my story, about my experiences with sikhi, with sukhmani sahib.......my story which started with my first visit to Hazur Sahib. why do i want to tell my story? i don't know how best to answer this one, but apart from the reason that i want to tell it, i feel it is worth telling. will it be worth reading? i don't know, but i hope so.

and now that the "what" and "why" are out of the way, i'll get on with it. before i actually begin, i will just give a very brief background about myself. i was born in bombay (now called mumbai, i prefer bombay) in a middle class sikh family, my mom was a school teacher and my father was employed with a private limited company (both are now retired). i have lived all my life in a place called powai, and for this i consider myself fortunate, for our home is right opposite the i.i.t campus, which is one of the very few of the fast diminishing green zones of the city. yes, i consider myself very fortunate, its bliss having a forest, hills and two large lakes within walking distance of your home, where you can be alone. although i was born into a sikh family i never identified with myself as a sikh or with sikhi in any way. one reason might be that my parents were both working fulltime and though they were regular with their 'paath' and visits to the local gurdwara, they never really forced me or my two elder sisters to do the same. so there was never really any connection with sikhi, and by the time i entered college i wanted to get rid of my hair and i did, after two years of trying to obtain permission from my mom for it. i have used the word trying because i never really succeeded and my mom though she gave in to my demands was never really happy about it and i in my teenage brashness could just not understand why there was such a big fuss over such a small thing. anyway, i was happy. right from the first year of my college i almost everyday used to go to the i.i.t library, which is huge and very well stocked with thousands and thousands of books, mostly technical and engineering ones but it also had a well stocked section on philosophy....and it was there that my 'i don't know what to call it' began....the first book i had chanced upon was called 'the first and the last freedom' by j.krishnamurty, it took me ages to finish it but almost instantly it opened up a dimension i was completley unaware of. the second book i read was a small one but i still cherish it, 'the prophet' by kahlil gibran and i was like mad with joy after reading that......and then followed so many, western philosophers like descartes, jung, freud, so many books on zen....i was a voracious reader. and i prided myself that at an age when boys were busy chasing girls and stuff, i was into something so much higher and loftier, i don't know how much knowledge i gained but ego definitely got bloated. sikhi i started studying only after my visit to hazur sahib in 2001 and now i will get on with it, my story i mean.

it was november 2001, and my life was plain miserable, though there was no reason on the surface for it. i was working as assistant to one of india's leading photographer, i was acquiring all the skillsets to make it in the higher echelons of the advertising and fashion industry, i was also working on a documentary film as assistant writer and director......in short future looked good. but i was depressed, very depressed, at both personal and proffessional levels, at a personal level my life seemed to be goiung nowhere, i was like forever at loggerheads with my family, proffessionally i was having a hard time coping with the cut throatedness of the fashion and advertising industry, all the beauty and glamor that one sees is only on the surface, and when one gets behind the scenes it doesn't take very long for all the glitter and dazzle to wear off.
my brother in law, who had been planning a trip to hazur sahib for quite some time had managed to get a few days leave from his work decided to go and for some reason was very insistant that i go along with them, with them i mean him, my sister and my twin neices. my natural reaction was to resist and i did, i had no idea what hazur sahib was and i was least interested in knowing. but i gave in after a few arguements thinking that all i had to do was sit in a car, go to this place and come back, only bad thing?? being that i might not be able to smoke for a few days. we started early in the morning and reached nanded at about 7.30pm. after depositing our luggage in our rooms at ranjit singh sarai, we went to gurdwara takhat sachkhand sri hazur sahib......memory of my initial reaction is still fresh within me, i actually stopped in my tracks, and stared, and stared...i really don't have appropriate words to describe it so i won't even try, in an instant i was humbled and as we climbed up the steps to the gurdwara i bowed down and touched my forehead on the first or the lowest step, with the thought that i am lowest of the low...no idea where this thought came from, all of this had happened in what seemed like seconds. after langar, as we were walking back to the sarai, i was busy trying to find some reason for what i had experienced, beautiful architecture i had seen before, beautiful places i had been to before....what was it? what had happened? i never found out. at this point i want to talk about something very important. importance of this will reveal itself as my story proceeds. as we were entering the gate of the sarai, i was overpowered by a very strong sweet fragrance, after a bit of sniffing and some deep breaths i asked my jijaji what it was, 'raatrani' or 'queen of the night' i was told. i loved its fragrance so much that every night for the remainder of our stay i would walk near about that tree for quite some time, deeply inhaling its fragrance. we stayed there for three days and visited the other gurdwaras in nanded. on the final day of our stay, which also happened to be diwali, we went to the sachkhand gurdwara in the evening, it was jijaji's wish that we all sit there and do a paath of sukhmani sahib. i couldn't read punjabi so i got myself a hindi gutka and it took me almost an hour and a half to complete it. when we came out we found that there was some kirtan about to happen right there, and again something happened for which i was totally unprepared. i don't remember any of the shabads that raagi bhais sang, but for almost three hours i sat entranced, experiencing a joy, a bliss that i had never felt before. i was all charged up, and i remember thinking that i had never felt this way even at the best rock concerts i had been to. for some reason i wanted to cry, and this was the difficult bit, trying to hold back the tears. it really would have looked very silly to my jijaji and my sister, like here was this jerk who had never been to a gurdwara, knew nothing of devotion and going wonky at the first kirtan he was hearing. anyway, we returned home the next day, and my life, about which i have said was quite miserable, got worse. i was losing interest in my work, and used to worry myself sick over what i would do if i lost all motivation to continue in my field of work. and there were other strange things happening also, like i found that i could not smoke or drink anymore, though i tried my best to sustain these habits. every drag of a cigarette would make me feel like my chest was on fire, every drink made me nauseous....and eventually i concluded that something had gone wonky with my heart, as i thought i had most of the symptoms. so off i went to see a cardiologist, got all kind of tests done and found out that there was nothing wrong with me, apart from slight high blood pressure which was the result of the depression i was in. and here i also must add that i was lucky to have the doctor that i did, a gentle gursikh lady. she handled me really well, on some occasions she would actually start laughing as i described my symptoms. anyway, i was still not convinced about my health and was not at all happy about being under medication, which consisted of one pill for high b.p and a certain dosage of alprazolams. and i just could not understand why i could not smoke or drink, things i used to enjoy so much. i actually felt sick every time i tried to smoke. by february 2002 i was sick of getting sick and i quit smoking and never ever felt the urge or need for it. at about the same time i connected with what i call my lifeline. one day i went to my mom's room just as she was completing a paath of sukhmani sahib, we got talking and from a small booklet she read out the importance benefits of sukhmani, and one which caught me the most was that by reciting, reading the sukhmnai, one gets freed from mental and physical ailments, for some reason i accepted this and resolved to do one paath of sukhmani sahib everyday. it used to take me forever to complete it and it got tedious at times but i stuck to the routine, though with my set of doubts....does it work?.......how does it work?......will it really bring any benefits? and most of all, how will i know if it is working? i wanted proof, something, anything that would remove my doubts and so my one way conversation with god (i call him babaji) began. i wanted proof, and i would beg, plead, implore demand proof of his existence. its human natue i guess, when one does something one wants to see the results...so i was doing the paath of sukhmani and i needed to see results, needed to see something happening. well, nothing happened, for quite some time, but my life sort of revolved around sukhmani......and then it happened. it was sometime april end or first week may 2002, i was in the kitchen in the evening when all of a sudden i was overcome by a strong fragrance....yes it was the same fragrance i had fallen in love with at nanded, the fragrance of 'raatrani'. puzzled, i came out of the kitchen to try and locate its source, and when i came out onto our small balcony where we have many potted plants, i saw that a slender stem with many offshoots had sprouted from the top of a plant and all the offshoots were filled with small white flowers which were emitting that fragrance. i was stunned and there was instant acceptence in my heart that babaji had provided the proof i had been seeking. the flowers lasted for about four days and every evening i would climb up the railing of our balcony just to inhale their fragrance as deeply as i could. and then it ended, the flowers withered and the stem became dry and brown, and i was sad when it happened, but i was so so happy. and some three days later i again felt this fragrance, i rushed to our balcony and i was delighted to see the flowers once again, but this time round they had sprouted out of a plant of a completely different variety. i stood there transfixed, looking in turns at the new flowers and at the dried out stem in the other vase. these flowers also lasted for about four days, and i was well and truly humbled, if there was still any lingering doubt in my mind that too was gone. i needed no further proof, babaji is there, very much there, everywhere and at all times...i was also ashamed at my behaviour...for asking for proof.
now i bring my story some months forward, though my life was improving at a decent pace, i still needed to have my medication and i needed an alprazolam to get myself to sleep at night. by this time i had become a regular visitor at our gurdwara and i especially enjoyed going there in the evenings, doing a paath of sukhmani sahib and then staying for rehras. every year, at our gurdwara there takes place a 'ladiwaar' or serial akhand paaths in memory of martyrdom of younger sahibzadas of guru gobind singhji. it was a nice time for me, i used to spend almost all my free time at the gurdwara, one akhand paath would end and another would begin. one day i was asked if i would stay the night for doing sewa, which just meant making tea for the paathi singhs and waking them up when it was time for them to sit for the paath. i said yes and came home for dinner. it was around 8.00pm, i decided to lie down for a while before going to the gurdwara, i closed my eyes and all of a suddenn i saw guru gobind singhji, the image was a bit wavy, and i actually asked what he was doing there. sometime later i went to the gurdwara and there i met a couple of guys who had also come for the sewa. they suggested that i go to sleep and they would take care of things. i said cool and was about to reach in my pocket for my alprazolam when something made me stop, i lay down, drifting in and out of sleep....and never did have to take it again. about three days later i was walking towards the gurdwara in the eveing when i remembered that i had not had my blood pressure pill that day, and along with this came the thought that what need do i have for medicine, the place where i am going will take care of me....and that was it, i never did have to take my medicine again ever. i visited my doctor again a couple of months later and even she was surprised that i was not in need of any medication...your grace again babaji...who else can remove afflictions in an instant.

so this is my story....actually just the first part of it...how it all began...i will forver be grateful to my brother in law for taking me to hazur sahib....and babaji, what can i say about you?....even a lowly underserving creature like me you touched with your grace......how long did it take, not even six months, in november2001 i visited hazur sahib for the first time, in feb2002 i was free from my vices and started doing the sukhmani sahib, and by the month of may you had removed all my doubts and made me your devotee for life.

much has happened in life since then, i won't say that life now is all hunky dory...i have my share of trials and tribulations, worries and insecurities, but its all right, i have with me sukhmani sahib, my lifeline, i am in good hands.
so this is it for now, i will post more of my experiences and things later, to anyone who has spent time reading this, thank you, all kinds of comments are welcome.